


But there are no Words (For what I Feel)

by Finduilas



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-21
Updated: 2012-07-21
Packaged: 2017-11-10 10:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas/pseuds/Finduilas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny talks, and Steve listens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But there are no Words (For what I Feel)

**Author's Note:**

> \- Written for my 100 Fandom Requests, for iam_space. She pointed out the following: Someone posted to Tumblr how in 2.22 Danny answered the phone saying "Detective Williams" like he didn't know who was on the line - and then when he laid his phone on the tech table later, the caller ID said McGarrett.  
> What if... Steve had called Danny several times while he was gone. But he never spoke. And at first, Danny was angry/worried/concerned, but then it kinda just fell into this thing where Steve would call and Danny would talk. And Steve would listen and never say a word.  
> So then maybe Danny was a bit annoyed with Steve when he called - like knew it was him, but answered that way to be a dick. And Steve hesitated... because, you know, reasons... and when he actually *did* speak, it sparked that shocked, WTF reaction from Danny... because Steve's actually talking to him. You know, now that he needs something. LOL!  
> \- Beta’d by stjarna1984. Thank you, hon!   
> \- Title from King in my Head, by Stan Van Samang.

The first time it happens, Danny is cautious – almost scared – as he asks, “Steve?”    
  
There’s no answer on the other end of the line, but Danny thinks he can hear a slow breathing, very faint. Or maybe it is just his imagination, his  _wish_ , that he recognizes it as Steve. The rational part of Danny’s brain tells him that he can’t recognize Steve from his breathing, he just  _can’t_ . It’s ridiculous. He’s imagining things.    
  
“Babe, is that you?” Danny asks anyway, waiting for an answer, a whisper, a grunt, anything.    
  
All that comes is the click of the line going dead, and when he checks his caller ID, it confirms what he already knew.    
  
The second time is no more than a few seconds, just enough for Danny to call out Steve’s name before the line goes dead again. But at least Steve calling means he’s still alive, even if he doesn’t say a word.    
  
The third time, Danny doesn’t even bother calling out his name. They both know who’s on the line anyway, so Danny just goes straight to: “Don’t you dare hang up on me.” There’s still no answer, but the line stays open and Danny swears he could hear a little sniffling sound.    
  
“Okay, so you’re not gonna talk, I get that,” Danny says, then shakes his head. “Well, actually, I don’t get it. But I don’t get how you could just leave without even letting me know either, and no, a  _letter_  doesn’t count, all right?”    
  
Danny leaves a pause, but doesn’t expect an answer either way.    
  
“That was a sucky move, Steve,” Danny continues. “But I guess you already knew that or you’d be having something to say right about now, am I right?”    
  
He sighs, settling into his office chair.    
  
“You could’ve told me, you know? You could have trusted me. You can  _always_  trust me. Don’t you know that by now, Steve? I could’ve helped. I could’ve gone with you. I probably would have… I would have hated myself for leaving with the possibility of my daughter growing up without her father, but I would have gone with you.”   
  
He pauses again, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “And that’s exactly why you left this way, isn’t it? So I wouldn’t be forced to make that choice?”    
  
There’s a faint sound in the background, like traffic muted by windows, and the rustling of…  _something_ . Maybe Steve sitting down somewhere? On a couch? On a bed? In a hotel room maybe? Safe. Danny chooses to believe he is safe.    
  
“It doesn’t make me feel better though,” Danny goes on, “I don’t need you protecting me, ‘cause you know what? You thinking you’re protecting me leaves you out there all alone. And I won’t forgive you if you don’t come home, Steve. I won’t.”   
  
The knock on Danny’s office door startles him, being too focused on trying to identify the low sounds on the other end of the line.    
  
Then Chin sticks his head inside and says, “We’ve got a murder.”    
  
“I’ll be right there,” Danny says, and he waits until Chin leaves again to say into the phone, “I gotta go. I still have a job to do.” And if it sounds bitter, then so be it.    
  
He leaves another pause, but the silence doesn’t surprise him.    
  
“Be careful, okay?” he asks, “And just… call again, yeah?”    
  
He doesn’t wait for an answer before hanging up the phone.    
  
***   
  
The phone is tucked away between the pillow and his ear when he presses the call button. It doesn’t take long for Danny to answer.    
  
“Detective Williams.” Danny’s voice rings through the line. “See how that works, Steve? I actually identify myself on the phone.” He sounds mildly amused and annoyed at the same time. “You know, with my actual words. You should try it sometimes.”    
  
Steve grins, closing his eyes as he lets Danny’s voice wash over him.    
  
“But I understand how that might be a bit too sophisticated for you.” And now Steve is sure he can hear the smile in Danny’s voice. “I take it that this phone call means you’re still alive. Or, you know, I’m speaking to some Chinese kid who found your phone by the side of the road and pressed a few buttons. But I choose to believe it’s you and that your silence means you’re alive and well. I’m a very positive person, Steven. A glass half full kind of guy.”    
  
And Steve simply cannot hold in a muffled snort.    
  
“See, I heard that, Steve,” Danny calls out over the phone. “And I resent that. I would’ve given up on you a long time ago if I didn’t think positively. If I didn’t think I could actually talk some sense into you.”   
  
There’s another pause, and somehow Steve doesn’t think Danny’s talking about leaving with just a letter anymore.    
  
“Because I believe that you’re going to be back,” Danny says, and his voice has turned low and measured, like he’s talking more to himself than to Steve. “That I’m actually going to see you again. That I haven’t completely lost you.”    
  
And Steve thinks maybe he should say that Danny will never lose him. That Steve refuses to let that happen. That Steve  _belongs_  to Danny, even if Danny maybe doesn’t know it yet. But he squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath instead.    
  
“Because you can’t come into my life, make me take you in, and then just disappear,” Danny whispers, and Steve’s stomach clenches. “I refuse to let that happen, Steve. Just so you know.”    
  
Steve bites his lip, curling his legs up so he can wrap his arms around them. When all he really wants to do is wrap his arms around Danny.    
  
“I kind of hate you for doing this, Steve,” Danny says, and his voice sounds like a broken whisper. “But I kind of hate it more that I really don’t.”    
  
Steve swallows hard and lets out a shuddering breath.    
  
“Goodnight, Steve,” Danny says, and before Steve can turn off his phone, the line goes dead.   
  
***   
  
“Bad timing, babe,” Danny says, his voice clipped as he squats down behind the Camaro.    
  
There’s bang of a gunshot nearby and Danny’s actually kind of relieved it’s here in Oahu and not wherever Steve is at.    
  
“We’re kind of doing a raid,” Danny says, one hand pressing the phone against his ear, the other gripping his gun tightly. “And it isn’t going as planned.”   
  
He thinks he can hear a sharp intake of breath over the phone, and he thinks maybe Steve is going to speak, but still he doesn’t say anything.    
  
“Call me back when we’re done catching these motherfuckers, yeah?” Danny says before stuffing his phone back in his pants-pocket and following Chin and Kono into a full-on attack.    
  
Steve calls back five more times before Danny finds his hands free of handcuffed suspects and evidence bags to answer the phone.    
  
“We’re all fine,” is the first thing he says over the phone, and he doesn’t wait for an answer anymore. “It’s all good, we’re all fine. I kind of hope you’re fine too, but I’m under no illusion that you’re actually going to talk to me. I mean, how ridiculous would I be to assume that you’re using that thing in your hand called a phone as an actual means of communication? You know, two way communication?” And Danny doesn’t even try to hide the frustration in his voice. “’Cause I’m pouring my heart and soul out over this thing and you can’t even muster a simple ‘hello’.”    
  
And yeah, it’s the raid and the stupid perps thinking they can shoot their way out of it that’s got him all worked up, but Steve’s insistence of not talking is starting to take its toll as well – even if he is glad that the phone calls are at the very least a way of knowing Steve is still alive.    
  
“You know what, I don’t have time for this right now.” Danny sighs, snapping into the phone. “I’ve got five suspects to book – yeah, yeah, you don’t even  _have_  to say it – and since you’ve abandoned ship they’re kind of my responsibility so I’ll talk to you later, all right?”    
  
***   
  
Steve’s finger hovers over the phone for a good minute before he finally pushes the call button anyway.    
  
When Danny answers, he almost wants to ask if he’s feeling a bit less crabby now, but he wisely shuts his mouth and just listens.    
  
“I was just about to go to sleep, you know,” Danny mutters into the phone, and the rough grain in his voice makes Steve wonder if he didn’t, in fact, wake him up.    
  
Danny clears his throat a bit, and there’s a rustling sounds that’s unmistaken of sheets being rearranged.    
  
“Today wasn’t a bad day, actually. I took Gracie swimming at your beach. And yeah, I don’t even feel guilty about that. I’m using your house, Steve. And if you don’t like it, you can just come back home and stop me yourself.”    
  
But Steve doesn’t mind, not one bit.    
  
“She had a lot of fun, though I think she’s starting to miss you too.”   
  
Steve isn’t sure Danny actually meant to say ‘too’, but he did, and it makes Steve’s heart rate go up a notch.    
  
“And yes, I went into the water too,” Danny continues, “Not for fun, but because my little girl wanted me to, only then she very wisely told me that Uncle Steve is a lot more fun in the water because he ‘throws her around and stuff’. No really, that’s what she said, Steve. Apparently I’m too careful or something, ‘cause I actually try not to drown my only daughter. But obviously you’re way cooler because you spin her around and chuck her in the water and how can I even compete with a Navy SEAL, right?”    
  
Steve smiles; and he’s grateful, so fucking grateful that Danny is actually still doing this, is still talking, is still humoring Steve, still keeping him connected to home.    
  
There’s a silence for a second, and then Danny continues. “But I don’t want to compete with you, Steve. I’m glad she loves you. I…”   
  
There’s a second that Steve thinks Danny is actually is going to say it, and he  _wants_  to hear it, even though he knows he’ll never not be able to say it back. But he hears a sigh and then Danny simply says again, “I’m just glad.”   
  
***   
  
“I called you earlier, Steve,” Danny nearly shouts into the phone. “The one time I call you, and you don’t pick up?!”   
  
He’s not expecting an answer, but he leaves a pause anyway.    
  
“I thought you were off getting killed or something,” Danny grits through his teeth. “I  _always_  pick up when you call. Always. Even if you don’t fucking say anything, but I pick up. And you don’t even bother to do that? Fuck you, Steve! Do you have any idea how worried I was?”    
  
Danny grips his phone into his hand and puts it down on the table, line still open. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and counts ‘til ten. When he brings the phone back to his ear, he tries to keep his voice steady and quieter as he says, “Okay, I get that you probably couldn’t answer. I do get that. I’m not a complete idiot. I just…  _fuck, man_ . You have no idea how much you scared me.”   
  
He drops down on the couch with a grunt.    
  
“Your absence does no good to my anger management issues, Steven; you do get that, right?” Danny asks. “There’s shit happening here, big important scary shit, and I know it’s not fair to spring that on you, but just so you know… I’d be dealing with it a lot better if you were here. If we were working side by side. If I just  _knew_  that you were okay. That you had my back. That I had yours.”    
  
And Danny doesn’t tell Steve about the smallpox and working together with the guys from LA, ‘cause he  _knows_  Steve doesn’t need the distraction. Doesn’t need the guilt. But he’s gotten so used to talking to Steve, to saying whatever’s on his mind, and Steve not talking back might actually be some kind of barrier that falls away because he doesn’t have to worry about how Steve will react, because Steve simply doesn’t say a word.    
  
“I know you need to do whatever it is you’re doing,” Danny says eventually. “But I just need you to know that I need you too. I need you to come back home, and I need it soon. So please, Steve. Know that I’m here waiting for you, alright?”    
  
And he thinks he can hear a little humming sound from the other end of the line before he hangs up.    
  
***   
  
“Detective Williams.”    
  
The voice rings through his ears and it sounds annoyed. And Steve is planning on saying something, he really is. Because he has to. Because it is time. Because he has to break the silence sometime and it needs to be now. But still the words stay stuck in his throat for just a second as he looks out over the night skyline and Danny calls out again, “Hello. Detective Williams.”    
  
“Long time, partner,” Steve finally says, and it’s actually  _difficult_  to sound nonchalant.    
  
“What the hell is the matter with you?” Danny snaps into the phone, and Steve can tell he’s surprised and annoyed and trying to keep his voice steady. “Where the hell have you been?”    
  
“I’ve been looking for Joe and Shelburne. Didn’t you get my letter? I explained.”    
  
And he  _knows_  that isn’t going to go over well, but he kind of likes to hear Danny rant and get himself worked up. It’s safe and familiar, and Steve has craved it.    
  
“No, no. No, you didn’t explain,” Danny says, as if right on cue, and Steve has to suppress his laughter. “You didn’t explain anything. You just left me a letter and then you took off.”    
  
“Okay, I didn’t take off. You’re making it sound like I was on the run,” Steve says, “Why are you angry?”   
  
“I’m not angry,” comes the predictable answer.    
  
“You sound angry,” Steve says, and he knows he’s just baiting him, but it feels good to actually talk to him.    
  
“I’m not angry, okay? I was worried and now I am concerned. That’s all.”    
  
And Steve knows how much that is true. How much Danny needed Steve to come home. Just how worried he was.    
  
“Okay, well, uh… I appreciate your concern. Thank you,” Steve stresses, because now is not the time to put into words just how much it meant. “But I’m fine.”    
  
“Well, you don’t sound fine,” Danny says, like he’s making a point of actually being able to sense Steve’s tone again. “You sound like you are stressed out. Tell me something. Did you find Joe?”    
  
Steve sighs. “No, but I think I might’ve found Shelburne.”    
  
And then Danny gives him some shit about either finding him or not, and he’ll never get tired of hearing Danny’s voice.    
  
“All right with the secrecy, I don’t need it right now,” Danny says, clipped. “I mean, d-did you just call me to  _not_  tell me what’s going on with you?”    
  
And the unspoken, ‘Did you finally speak to not tell me anything’ is loud and clear, so Steve gets down to business.    
  
“No, I called you to tell you that I’m in Osaka and I have Wo Fat in custody. All right?”    
  
“You took…” Steve can hear Danny choke. “Way to bury the lead, buddy.”    
  
“Danny, I know that I owe all of you an explanation and you’re gonna get it, okay?” Steve says, and he knows that he owes Danny so much more. There’s so much he needs to say. So much he’s been holding back when Danny’s been talking and he needs to get it out too, but he can’t right now. “But right now I need your help. Are Chin and Kono around?”    
  
“Yeah. Hold on, Steve,” Danny says, and they’re all business.    
  
***   
  
When he finally sees Steve standing there, gun pointing and sirens blaring, it takes all Danny has not to smack him over the head or throw his arms around him – jury’s still out on what’s going to take the upper hand. And then HPD arrives, Kono shoots, and Noshimuri’s being handcuffed and by the time he reaches Steve – who’s still holding on to Wo Fat – his throat feels like it’s closed up and he doesn’t even know what to say anymore. So he goes for, “See, I knew it. Cargo pants.”    
  
Steve looks at him, and Danny can tell he’s not saying what he really wants to say either when he says, “Book ‘em, Danno.”    
  
And Danny says, “You could’ve just said ‘hello’. Huh.” And he doesn’t mean just now, and he’s sure Steve knows it as he slaps him on the shoulder.    
  
Danny has to pry himself away from Steve’s touch, leading Wo Fat into safety and imprisonment, and by the time he gets back, Steve is already hugging Kono and Chin and when Danny finally walks up to him for his turn, he has to stop himself. Has to pace himself and hold back, because if he doesn’t, he’s not sure he’ll be able to let go of Steve. So he slaps him on the back and pulls away quickly, because all he wants to do is bury himself inside Steve’s embrace and he’s not going to do it here and now, Goddammit. He’s not going to lay his heart out on the line at an airfield, with flashing lights casting a light on all of them.    
  
Steve swings his arm around Danny’s shoulder, like he’s not quite ready to let go just yet, and Danny can’t help but pat him on the stomach, swaying along with Steve, who’s just oozing relief out of his pores.    
  
***   
  
As Steve looks around the room, still sort of the way he left it – plus a few beer bottles and empty take-out containers clogging up the little table – Danny leans against the doorframe.    
  
“You’re not going to say anything?” Steve asks, hands stuffed inside his pockets.    
  
“That’s rich, coming from you,” Danny counters, and Steve figures he has that coming. Danny’s been doing all the talking for the both of them for a while now.    
  
“I couldn’t…” Steve says, then shrugs, and Danny saves him.    
  
“I get it,” Danny says, finally stepping inside the living room, closing the door behind him. “I get why you didn’t talk. I do.”    
  
Steve nods, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, and he knows he’s avoiding Danny’s gaze.    
  
“And I get if you wanna pretend you didn’t hear all the stuff that I said,” Danny says, eyes cast down at the floor.    
  
The words get stuck in Steve’s throat again, because Danny is giving him a way out, is basically letting Steve decide everything, and Steve isn’t sure he wants to go back. He’s not sure he  _can_ .    
  
Danny nods, like he’s taking Steve’s silence as an answer, and he’s got his hand on the door handle again as he says, “Goodnight, Steve.”    
  
And before he knows it, Steve is crowding Danny by the door, hand covering the one that’s on the door handle, lips hovering over Danny’s skin.    
  
“Don’t,” Steve whispers, his lips brushing against Danny’s temple.    
  
Danny looks up; he swallows hard as he locks eyes with Steve.    
  
“Don’t go,” Steve says softly. “Don’t make me pretend you didn’t say what you said.”   
  
Danny gives a minute nod of the head.   
  
“Don’t take it back…” Steve whispers. They’re standing so close he can feel Danny’s chest brush against his every time he breathes in.    
  
“Next time, say something back,” Danny says, his voice sounds pained somehow.    
  
“I needed to come home to you,” Steve whispers, because he means it, and because he knows Danny needs to hear it, needs to know it, feel it.    
  
“Like that, for instance…” Danny says, his lips curling up into a small smile before Steve covers them with his.    
  
***   
  
“’Cause you know they’re doing it on purpose, don’t you?” Danny says into the speaker phone, checking his rearview mirror before making the turn. “I ask for extra sauce and they  _say_  they’re giving me extra sauce but I swear it’s no more than a regular portion. This is what they do to Haoles, Steven. It’s a disgrace, I’m telling you.”    
  
Steve chuckles into the phone as Danny continues to rant. “And I’m paying for it too. I’m paying for something they’re not providing. I swear this is the last time we’re getting food from that place.”   
  
“You know,” Steve finally interrupts, “You  _say_  you want me to talk back to you on the phone, but you really don’t, do you?”    
  
Danny smiles, biting his bottom lip.    
  
“You’re absolutely content just ranting on, and my part of the conversation does not matter one bit,” Steve says, and Danny can hear the smile in his voice.    
  
“Maybe I’ve gotten used to it, you know?” Danny smiles, turning the car in the driveway and cutting off the engine.    
  
“Maybe you’re in love with the sound of your own voice?” Steve asks, and Danny can see him standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame as Danny grabs the bag of take-away containers from the seat next to him.    
  
“Maybe,” Danny smiles, then says, smugly, “But somehow I don’t think I’m the only one.”    
  
“Yeah…” Steve smiles as Danny slams the car door closed behind him, juggling car keys, take-away, and his phone in his hands. “Maybe.”    
  
They smile at each other for a bit, before Danny stuffs his phone in his pocket and finally walks up to Steve.    
  
“You can have my sauce,” Steve says earnestly, and Danny barks out a laugh.    
  
“Not exactly what I meant,” Steve grins, “But, you know… whatever you want.”    
  
“That’s good to know,” Danny smiles, putting the bag of food on the porch before putting his hands on either side of Steve’s face.    
  
“Glad you’re so easy to please,” Steve grins, capturing Danny in a kiss. 


End file.
